Sometimes my mind wanders and I find myself getting sucked into this faux reality. A place where I let go of my insecurities, past failures and other expectations of myself. I’m just me, raw and in my truest form. I create without hesitation, I dream without limits and I harbor the confidence that so many tried to instill inside me. But then bam, in one fail swoop a panic attack comes and crumbles the walls around me and I’m here again, lying in a puddle of tears, my face pressed against the cold tile floor, clutching my dog like she’s all I have left to live for.
I guess what I’m trying to say is hi, I’m Tianna and I have severe social anxiety, depression, PTSD and I flirt with self-harm and bulimia from time to time. But more importantly, I’m a creative force to be reckoned with. On any given day at least one of those pesky disorders will pop in unannounced and put me out of commission. Like cry at the drop of a hat, stay awake for three days straight, can’t breathe because of the invisible elephant crushing my chest out of commission. Rather than saying ‘this year will be different’ blah blah blah and setting myself up for failure, because my hardest challenge is meeting my own expectations, I’m going to put myself out there. I’m going to embrace the struggles and challenges I face everyday, but I’m also going to make a point to do more to get through it, over each obstacle and to the smiling relief on the other side. I create because it’s therapeutic, it gives me purpose and pride. I determine the rules and manipulate it into my own joy. There’s no doubt it’s my coping mechanism to the life I’ve endured but it’s honestly the best path I could've been sent down. I like to think that what my hands have created produce a sort of trickle down happiness effect on those I encounter, so my anti-depressant can be yours as well.
Long story short, and oddly fitting on Mental Health Awareness Day, I’ve decided to allow my faux reality to merge into my everyday life. Being more transparent, creating more than what fits just under my “business” umbrella and letting people know that I’m a human being with extreme joy one day and debilitating anxiety the next. That’s just me.
I turn 32 in just three days and I’ll be using it to my advantage. Using it as a marker for growth and setting small but obtainable challenges for the years ahead. Still chipping away at my fashion dream but exposing and nurturing the real human behind it all.